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Chad lost. Scott crushed. That is the week, if you are in a hurry.

If you have a minute: the defending champ opened 0-1, Scott put up 183, Jason won with a top-heavy roster that actually showed up, JD got towed by Caleb Williams, Arik started two tight ends at zero and shrugged it off, and Sam started two tight ends who blew up. Pablo’s week felt like his draft — a lot of travel, a long wait, then a landing that was fine and not enough.

Scott / Tobin

Scott’s starters refused to behave like Week 1 starters. Six of them cleared twenty. Watson's 32 in the flex made people refresh the app like it had glitched. That's one way to get him off ever wanting to go back to CBS. Tobin scored 130 and lost, which is rude math and also the Corporation in a sentence. Jason won with less. Tobin lost with more. Please do not @ anyone about process.

Fun footnote, then we move on: Scott’s lineup briefly lived on a youth baseball snack sheet, and a coach texted wondering why "Christian Watson" was scribbled under the orange slices. Should have had him sign an NDA.

JD / Jake

There is no one way to build a good football team, except maybe for this: you better have a good quarterback. Caleb put up a chunk that could have been a whole mid-table team. Is it the 'stache? Less nail polish? Dart held his own, but ultimately you can't overcome Sean Payton sabotaging his wife's fantasy team and QJ taking the first half off. Look out, the Dickermen are 1-0, getting their first win months before last year. Jake will want to write about his WR strategy. The league would not read the thread.

Arik / Jeff

Arik started Loveland and Pitts at zero. Both of them. Starting spots. Zero. And still cleared 150, because Henry and friends did not get the memo that the tight end room was closed. Many a star has taken the day off while marveling at the ageless King Henry galloping over defenders. They won't be blocking every week.

Jeff got a monster Swift game and still lost in a boat race. Puka had an ordinary WR night. He can't be ordinary. Romeo Doubs was a tragedy. The slump continues, for another week.

Chad / Jason

Catdaddy's win was not mysterious. Allen and Bijan did the adult work. Everybody else on the starting line kept the seats warm. That is the nice version of top-heavy.

Chad’s version was the other one. No receiver on the starting line cleared ten. The tight end disappeared. The quarterback was “fine,” which is a terrible word in Week 1 when you just won the league. If last year was a championship menorah, this was the night the first candle went out. Not the whole holiday. Just an early, undignified puff of smoke while Jason counted to 127 the easy way.

Chris / Pablo

Chris started Gibbs and Montgomery— the old Lions backfield trick — and, annoyingly, was right. Still works. Trevor Lawrence seemed happy to play for the fighting Balts - the luscious locks and four(!) TDs give CO some plausible rationale for still enjoying the company of men.

Pablo got Walker going nuclear and still lost, which tracks if you have watched him navigate a foreign land or a draft queue. Great start. Too much traveling. Too long in the draft. Week 1 had the same energy: delayed boarding, then a result that made you check if you were at the right gate. Not often you can say "Kenneth was the best of the Mexicans" - get used to it.

Sam / Aaron

Sam did Arik’s tight end week with the polarity flipped. McBride and Goedert both blew up on the same official line. Suck, as a team name, only works if the scoreboard plays along. The scoreboard did not play along. Time for a new team name? Or has the pseudoexpletive become an exclamation? Suck!

Aaron got Chase at 2.7 on the big screen, which is a cruel use of high definition. Nico tried. Jalen Coker showed out with 32 fake imaginary points from the bench. The rest of the starting lineup could have used another preseason game.

Summary

1-0: Scott, Sam, Chris, Arik, JD, Jason. 0-1: Tobin, Jake, Aaron, Pablo, Jeff, Chad.

Scott crushed. Chad’s first candle went out. Jason was top-heavy in the good way. JD was a QB story wearing a roster. Arik survived two silent tight ends. Sam employed two loud ones. Pablo took the scenic route again.

That is Week 1. The menorah still has plenty of nights left. Probably.